Home Remedies

October | 2009 | All Swings Considered

JUGHEAD: ” PS. Usually, they love to talk about them after the fact, because it makes them look sympathetic. The slogan? Read about the challenges that others face in their relationships and share your own experiences. Honestly, I ‘t know what herpes cure Trudeau is referring to his report. If there are warts are on the , condoms should be worn until treatment is complete. Everyone can be thankful that for once this quite nice ballpark will get to host a World Series Game for the first and possibly only time in it’s existence (at least the Nats and Royals try to form good teams).

Game 6 – December 25th. be a or a woman and stand for what’s right, safety and justice, and truth! Citifield, NY. The real world experiences and probabilities are absent. It will be a welcome discount on Yankee concessions and ticket prices. So Williams tiptoed away from comedic films, and reinvented himself as a ‘serious’ actor, headlining somewhat overwrought melodramas like One Hour Photo and Insomnia. That sums up my Grandfather’s opinion, as well.

If you’re uber-retarded you can pay $9 for PBR. Meanwhile over at Citifield there is one concession stand that has a better selection than all of Yankee Stadium, not to mention the other micro brews you can find at other concessions. He produced a one hour television special about it, and taught all of his juvenile fans that nuts aren’t always something to laugh about. Pedro Feliciano was called upon to pitch far too frequently, in part because the starters didn’t go long enough and also because the rest of the bullpen was downright shite. Derek became the Yankees alltime stolen base leader in 2011. The Vacant Lot next to the house I grew up in, Long Island. The early blisters are sometimes mistaken for insect bites.

Lighting may play a heavy role since it’ll mainly come from those dull orange streetlights. I recommend using neon green tennis balls (from experience) and pro ballplayers should be able to rocket those things at least a neighborhood or two away. The pitcher’s mound is actually lower than the rest of the field since a house used to exist there, so that may make things…awesome? Second base will have to share time with traffic on the street, but since it will be around midnight there won’t be too many vehicles futzing with Jeter’s fielding. Use a condom. The outfield will be across the street on the neighbor’s downhill front lawn. There are actually a lot fewer trees and bushes there, so instead of a miniature forest it is now a playable obstacle course.

Get your tickets now, since seating is practically non-existent. BYOB. Kudos to ESPN’s Jim Caple for hitting the streets to find those rare Yankee fans who have legitimate feelings of championship drought. On the other side of the coin, The Onion’s sports section continues its strong coverage with a timely piece on the Phils own championship drought. Three Team Deal, from a year ago today: Mets – J.J. From November to January 2007. Albert’s video-game-like regular season numbers mean that his tidy playoff 1.009 OPS is actually lower than his regular season numbers.

Howard, by comparison, has thus far batted above his regular season numbers. In half the games, he has two-thirds as many RBI as Pujols. The MVP is not decided by post-season performance, but if Howard keeps this up, he may win over a few more people in the debate over which elite NL first basemen you want on your team. That noise you hear is the collective Yankee fan base slapping themselves on the forehead. After a serious beatdown of 6-1 in their own house, the Yankees are in for a series they didn’t think could be this hard. For STDs which are incurable, I simply take the percentage of the American population (about 319 million) with that STD. If not for an ill-advised double play attempt by Jimmy Rollins in the 8th inning, Cliff Lee would’ve gotten a shutout.

As it stands…he’s the first pitcher ever to have no walks, 10 k’s and no earned runs while pitching a complete game in the World Series. FIRST EVER. Chase “somebody get a forklift to get my penis off this field” Utley also carved a little piece of history of his own, being only the second left handed hitter to go deep off a left handed pitcher in the World Series. A hint…the other guy who did it has a candy bar named after him. So what does this mean? The Mets received Jeremy Reed, who was a “defensive 4th OF,” which essentially means the Mets got shafted because he was slightly good defensively, but he couldn’t swing his way out of a batters box…well, he could, but out is the key word here. Back in 2005 Pit two associated sex with being ill.

For the Yankees, the cover of the NY Post says it all, “UT-OH”. The Phils have cracked their ace, cracked their bullpen, and cracked their lineup (A-Rod 0-4, 3k’s) and cracked their spirits. Maybe most satisfying of all, all the fucking asshole fake die-hard Yankee fans are back peddling just a little bit today, which is always funny to see. Tonight is going to be an equally as intriguing matchup. Pedro Martinez, once the punching bag that always punched back to Yankee fans (right, Zim?) will be toeing the rubber for the WFC. AJ Burnett, one of the big three free agent purchases by the Yankees last off-season takes the hill for the Yanks. From there, the you have no symptoms.

The New York Times has broken the news that the Yankees have a new tradition. Regardless of the definition of “tradition”, and blind to the fact that the coverage of this World Series is reaching inane heights, the New York Times goes on to describe this previously unknown “tradition” to its online audience that got bored 3 paragraphs into reading about a bombing in Pakistan. This “new” tradition that is called, “pieing,” which the author is delighted is in the dictionary (“And yes, word fans, the Oxford English Dictionary recognizes the noun “pieing,” just as it recognizes the verb “to pie.” – NYtimes.com) was brought to the Yankees this year by some genius named AJ Burnett. It’s a “creamy slap in the face” that is employed when a teammate hits a walk-off. You can almost hear Jorge Posada sitting in the dug-out around a hastily crafted fire grunting, “Boom him in the face” while he leans on a tree-trunk that is used as a club. But, it doesn’t stop there. Now comes the fun part where I try to picture what the 2012 non-crappy Mets will look like.

But hey, it’s now happening in the House that Ruth Built Next to the House that Ruth Built, so already, it’s beyond mythic. Good thing he said something. Before I just assumed pieing was the product of vastly overpaid man-children who are treated like Mona Lisas. Now I can relegate all of that to “age of irony”, which also made “Rick Rolling” popular. Do I appease my Long Island friends and ‘root’ for the Yanks or appease my blogmates and ‘root’ for the Phils. Theoretically I could root for the Mets, but that’s just insane (mostly all still injured). Money Yanks: Payroll that dwarfs everything…including Ryan Howard’s desire for Subway Subs.


Women should get regular screening for HPV, assuming they see their doctor regularly. Phils: $8 mill less and they would be half of the Yanks. They play in Citizen’s Bank Park…nope, banks no longer have any money. Winner: Yanks – They would overpay me despite the fact that I’m a scrawny white guy with poor vision. $200,000 a year would be pretty sweet. Ballpark Yanks: I went to the previous Yankee Stadium once. Hideki Irabu sucked and they lost 16-5.

SP: Johan Santana, Mike Pelfrey, Jon Niese gets to pitch a full season in the majors!, Oliver Perez is useless and John Maine will get dumped after missing most of any other season he gets signed for, most minds have Jenrry Mejia and Brad “I wish his name was Steve” Holt as the next best arms in the system. I hear you have to pay for oxygen. Also, naming a stadium after your team is kind of boring; no identity is formed because you already know who plays there. Phils: CBP. Nice place. Huge upgrade over the Vet. Cozy place.

Great views from any seat. It wasn’t until a second one showed up that he decided to get it checked out. Is this one obvious yet? Winner: Phils – It’s a great park. Looks Yanks: Jeter – Herpes? A-Rod – Frosted Tips. Posada – He looks like a two-handled cup.

Matsui – Ugliest thing since…Godzilla. Going by past signings, Derek Lee is the older, more injury-prone player and therefore the Mets’ next 1B! The Rest – They’re all men. Phils: Howard – Slimmed down…and besides his annoying affiliation with Jared this is very positive. Werth – Looks kind of like an alien. Utley – Ok, actually pretty hot. Feliz – Phils’ Matsui.

Lidge – A man of Herodotus! Hamels – Needs a haircut. 80% of all HIV cases come from gay men or drug addicts who use dirty needles. Winner: My girlfriend. I really do have one. Luck Yanks: I will go out on a limb here and say when you buy everything there isn’t much need for luck. And when several very obviously blown calls go your way over the course of several games…luck leaves the equation and you can start positing other theories.

Phils: Over the past two seasons the new Big Red Machine has managed to push through with no major injuries to any big player. Sure, some players have missed time, but no starting fielder not playing catcher has played less than 133 games. Jon Niese and Jon Garland (surprise crappy pitcher move, akin to Tim Redding experiment) may also have some time in the rotation. In ’08 they had 4 starters with 30 or more starts. This season, the main reason they failed to hit that goal again was because they had to move healthy starters to bullpen duty for trade acquisitions. When Pedro is using the old “I’m the healthiest I’ve been in years” line (Mets fans know this one well) and it turns out to be true there is something afoot (the truth?). Perhaps there was some magic in those old red hats they wore.

Winner: Yanks. Who have also managed to remain eerily healthy. Matsui showed up for 142 games…and he looks like he’s 50…a real ugly 50. But I can think of probably a dozen people who have dealt with unwanted pregnancy or had a major pregnancy scare. Phils: If a Phil does something it probably gets second status to a Yank scoop…unless you punch your wife in public. Although if Howard smashes Subway Jared’s face in then I will wholeheartedly root for the Phils. Winner: Yanks – But this is a really stupid category to win.

Former Mets Yanks: I was sad when the Mets traded Xavier Nady to the Pirates, but at least we got Oliver Perez. The Mets almost signed A-Rod, but some random agent (yes, Boras) convinced him to take more money instead of signing for the preferred team…Reyes softened that blow by missing large amounts of time because his hamstrings suck. Finally, the Mets, in a scouting move that was quite unlike them, snatched A.J. They play in Citizen’s Bank Park…nope, banks no longer have any money. Before he could appear for them, Mets management made amends for actually picking a good pitcher and traded him to Florida in a deal where Leiter became a familiar face. Leiter, who won a WS with the Marlins in ’97 (against Lee and Sabathia’s former employers, the Indians), helped the Mets almost do that (against the Yanks), while Burnett, who never helped the Mets win anything, won a WS with the Marlins in ’03 (against the Yanks). Stupidly weird, right?

Phils: Well, there’s Pedro. Part of me hates him for all his failings as a Met and part of me wants him to do well because he was an absolutely brilliant pitcher (at least his first Met season wasn’t a washout). Chan Ho Park made one start for the Mets where he absolutely blew it. I saw that game. So if you don’t want to be a mommy or daddy, get contraception. Miguel Cairo, who isn’t on the WS roster, spent an unspectacular season with the Mets, sandwiched between two Yank seasons. Winner: The Mets!

It’s like we’re really there! Being the Yankees Yanks: …are the Yankees. Phils: …are not a bunch of overpaid tax-evading twits. Winner: The Bush White House. Winner: Phils – It’s a great park. Yanks have the money, Phils have the park, I have a girlfriend, Everybody can suck it, Yanks are slightly mysteriously luckier than the Phils, Everybody wants to read about Yankee players waggling their dicks at assorted women, The Mets had players that are now former Mets, 2000-2008 was a letdown. By now, most people following the buildup to Game One tomorrow night have seen the NY Post’s front page this morning (and no, I’m not talking about this one).

Was the “Victorino in a skirt” thing funny? A bit. Not one of the Post’s better headlines in my humble opinion, but not every NY Post headline can feature A-Rod being exposed as a juicer, A-Rod cheating on his wife, A-Rod getting ripped by his ex-manager, A-Rod making out with himself, or the Mets choking. But I digress. The point is it’s the NY Post and you can’t take them too seriously. After all, they’re not the New York Times. The New York Times publishes Serious and Insightful pieces, like this one on Jeter.

It’s funny – I thought being totally oblivious to basic facts about the World Series made you an idiot. Turns out, it means you’re focused! If only Chase Utley wereas clueless as to whom HE was starting against in Game Two. No wonder the Phillies are going to get swept. Keep up the good reporting, New York Times. I really do have one.